In early 2020, I was forced to work at home due to the quarantine caused by COVID-19. My daughter was just born that year, and I had just gotten a new job. It was a lot of change in my life. Working from home was a double edged sword. The positive: I got to be around my family more. The negative: I got to be around my family more. Not having time away from my wife in particular I feel like didn’t help our relationship too much as I really believe in “absence makes the heart fonder”. I got to see my wife 24/7 as my damn office was out in the living room. So whenever she was at the dining room table or playing with my daughter in the living room, I was always in her presence. Not ideal at all. I wished I could just go back to work in BSG’s dark ass, vampiric office space that had unlimited snacks. Ya know, to hide away from my wife and daughter, so that I could miss them. That’s good logic isn’t it. Becoming parents changes everything. Changes your relationship, dynamics, and priorities. In a good way, but it’s still a lot to handle.
At work mid 2020, I had entered into a weekly held cooking contest where you post a photo of your food, and people would vote on the best dish. The winner would get a $20 gift card to a restaurant or grocery store of their choice. The gift card was to be spent on food related stuff. When I won, because of course I fucking won, I asked for a Vons gift card as that’s the store I shop at for groceries. It wasn’t an option. So I went ahead with Amazon as I get some of my food gadgets on there. I was really curious if this $20 could net a solid, cheap 2 player board game though.
I had some board games, but they were all meant to be played with 4 or more people. I thought maybe some quality time of me whooping my wife’s ass in some board games would help us steady our relationship. So I selflessly bought Jaipur with that $20 gift card, instead of a well needed food gadget. From my viewpoint, you could eat the game if you wanted to, so it counts. I decided not to as I didn’t want to get any nasty cardboard cuts on my mouth or even worse my esophagus or the worstest on my anus.
I surprised my wife with it and said we would play after work. I actually got off work a little early to eat dinner with my wife and play the game. It was so much fun. I was immediately hooked into board gaming like I had never been. While it was fun, I remember my wife being somewhat bothered while playing. Not because I was outclassing and outwitting her beyond comprehension, like a modern day Bobby Fischer, but just because of the general haziness of our relationship at that point. I really wanted to play again the next day, and I could tell she was still upset. She said she was upset that we weren’t spending enough time and that I was working too much. Just upset at where we were in our relationship. It kind of blew my mind.
Here I was spending my hard earned $20 gift card, that I haphazardly spent on a board game instead of a food related item, on a game that was for her as much as it was for me—even if it was more for me—to spend more time with her, and she wasn’t even happy playing it because she was mad we weren’t spending enough time. I pointed out the logical inconsistency with that, like a modern day Socrates, and I asked if we could just have some fun playing this as I was trying to make some time for her. The game that followed was a much more enjoyable game, and ever since, my wife and I have been playing board games.
I’m much more of the enthusiast than her, but we still have played a bunch of games. I’ve garnered around 20 games in my collection since starting back in September of 2020. Buying a game, reading the rules, and setting up a board game is such an incredible part of the hobby, and it’s addicting. I bought 15 games last year because you know what they say, a board game every 30 or so days, keeps the doctor away.
5) Radlands
I kickstarted this early in the year when I was still high off of my initial board game buzz. I had kickstarted two board games up until this point: Binding of Isaac: Four Souls and Bears vs Babies. One of those is a fantastic game and the other is a non-noteworthy game with a funny memory because of how livid a loser I played with got. Regardless, they both shipped, so not a bad record kickstarting. So I had no worry kickstarting this beauty, and I was excited. The game looked beautiful, and it was a two player game. I actually found out about this game through a YouTube ad. Yeah, yeah capitalism strikes again with the ads. I know pinko, I’m letting the man win by succumbing to their indoctrination. Whatever. Anyways, as I was saying Karl Marx, the interesting thing is that after kickstarting the game, I would go on to buy two games produced by the publisher of Radlands, one of which is on this list *wink* *wink*. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the publisher delivered what was advertised. Not like my wife’s smart water bottle that she had kickstarted. That piece of shit never came. Sorry, looks like you’re gonna have to learn how to drink you daily intake of water through a regular stupid water bottle that doesn’t connect to your phone.
Radlands is a beautiful card game with exceptional components. The cards are made out of some super crazy flexible plastic, so the cards do not get creased or chipped from shuffling, which is incredible because I’m shit at shuffling and they hold up better when I’m cutting up a line. Don’t worry, it’s just moon dust kids. Just like the stuff in Dune. Besides the durability, the cards just look so good. They have this incredible post-apocalyptic style that draws heavily from Mad Max but injects its dull brown color scheme with some well needed neon colors. It’s easily one of the prettiest games I own.
The game is actually pretty simple and plays quick, which is impressive as most of the games my wife and I play go over the time on the box by many dog years. You and your opponent both set up 3 camps. The camp represents a vertical lane. In each lane, you can spend water, which you have three of, to add up to two people above your camp. If there’s a card above a card, it’s vulnerable to be attacked by the enemy, but the cards beneath are protected. Sounds a lot like the awesome mechanic from Monster Train, and it works out just as well. You are trying to protect your camps from being destroyed while trying to destroy all of your enemies camps by spending water to use your camps, people’s abilities, or activating events that will happen in n turns. It’s incredibly satisfying playing, and the amount of camps, event, and player cards have made it so none of the several games I’ve played so far have felt a like. And each game has somehow been very close. Even the last one I had against my wife who was out of it—just the way I like it, a great way to secure a satisfying win—she could’ve definitely did just a few things differently to have changed the course of the game.
Anyways, Radlands is a fucking awesome card game, 2 player game, and a super duper successful Kickstarter game. Kickstarter for video games is akin to paying a prostitute $50 bucks, but when you pull down you pants to get your money’s worth, she knocks you on the head with a 2×4 and then runs away with your hard earned cash. Kickstarter for board games is that same scenario but you get what you paid for.
4) Ticket to Ride
My go to game to show people board gaming used to be Codenames. Not because it was great, but because it was really the only board game I owned. Luckily for me though, that is an incredible game to show to people. After playing that with family and friends, the next step up I’d want to show them would be Catan. It’s not a party game like Codenames and has much more player interaction and decisions to be made. It’s much more complicated but not too complicated. After playing Ticket to Ride late last year and then showing it to my wife’s mom and her mom’s fiancé, who I had never played a board game with, I figured out I can just start showing this game to people new to board gaming and it’ll scratch both the itches that I want people to feel from playing Codenames and Catan. Yes, the itch that nags at you on the hairy, sweaty spot of your gooch when you’ve been walking around all day with swamp ass and the other itch on that one spot on the middle of your back that you can’t quite reach. And sure, who am I kidding, I barely have anyone to show board games to as I’m a loser, but you still need a delectable gateway drug game just in case.
Ticket to Ride is an incredibly simple game where you are collecting sets of different colored train cards in order to try and connect different cities to each other. In order to place a certain city, you will need a certain amount of one specific color train card to connect that route. The bigger, the better—that’s what they/xhe/she/it said. And while you’re doing this, you’re trying to fulfill special contracts where you need to connect two far away cities together with one continuous segment of multiple routes. This game plays very much like a solitaire game, where you’re kind of just doing your own thing, but you’re doing it on a shared board. It will be hard for people to screw you over on purpose, as it’s hard to know what people are trying to go for, but it won’t be hard for people to screw up that final solution you had to connecting A to B on accident, as people might need the same route as you.
For me, this game scratches that itch of showing someone what a board game can do. It’s not just a fun little party game where you can just coast along, but it is as simple as one. Even though it’s so simple, it has some really fun interactions and lots of thinkiness to it. That’s why I love this game.
3) Santorini: New York
When I was visiting family back in Illinois with my daughter and wife, I knew I had to pickup a board game to play with family and friends as I don’t get many options to be around people now a days with the whole work from home thing. This is a special event goddamnit. People? More than two people? In the same room? And I can force them to play board games? All in the mission of getting closer, but also as an excuse for me to whoop their asses in some friendly fun games? Perfect. So I went to the Cherry Valley Mall, the coolest place to be if you’re from Belvidere, and went to the Barnes and Noble to shop for something to me to outfun everybody in. I had found One Night Ultimate Werewolf, Letter Jam, and Santorini: New York. I wanted to buy all of them, but I knew that was a bad idea. Just buy two you dumbass. How the hell you gonna fit three board games in your luggage? Ok, Letter Jam and Santorini: New York it is. I showed Cali, and she said I really should just get one. I could of defied her, but I knew she was right. Even one board game was too much luggage to bring back. Goddamnit. After fifteen whole damn minutes, I made the gut-wrenching decision and chose S:NY.
I didn’t know this at the time, but I made the decision somewhat incorrectly. I had heard so much positive reception about the regular version Santorini and how it was an exceptional game, especially at two players. I had no clue that the New York part of the name represented actual yuge changes to the game. I just thought they slapped on a New Yawk theme to the game and were trying to sell it for easy money. I didn’t know I was getting a very different game. Luckily this version plays best at higher player counts, rather than two, which would be perfect for my time over in Illinois.
In S: NY, you are trying to to get on top of the third floor of a skyscraper. You do this by playing an ability card and then moving your two workers around NYC and then placing buildings. When building, you can place a floor of a skyscraper on any level floor adjacent to your worker as long as you don’t go above the third floor. If there’s a third floor building adjacent to you, you can screw over any hope of your friend jumping on top of that third floor by cockblocking them by putting a tip shaped cage on that 3 inch, non-phallic shaped skyscraper. The golden phallic ones are the same thing as a skyscraper with a dome, no one can go on it.
I was blown away by this game when I first played it. It has an incredible drafting system for playing these special character cards, which dictate how you can build or move around the city. Everyone chooses one card to play from their hand and reveals the card at the same time as everyone else. Whoever has the highest card, gets the main bitch herself, Lady Liberty. Lady Liberty allows you to win when you’re on top of floor tres leches. But you go last when you have the highest card. The person with the lowest gets to go first. It’s genius. You think you have the checkmate lined up, but everyone before you has an opportunity to screw you over. That’s why this works so well with more people: there’s more people to screw up your checkmate. It makes that eventual checkmate that much more satisfying, knowing that multiple people couldn’t foil it.
And I bring up checkmates here because this feels like chess with more people. It brings the same highs from chess but in just a cooler and simpler form. I really, really like this game. And you bet your ass it pissed me off the other month when I was driving in my car, and my wife admitted that she didn’t like this game. As you can imagine, I saw red. It was a close call. She should’ve just lied about it in the car and told me when I wasn’t behind the wheel because it was a close one. But it’s alright, I’ll just find other people to play this game with! I don’t need you anyways damnit! Again, who the hell am I kidding, she’s my main board gaming partner. But when I move, that will change. I swear it will.
2) Patchworks
If I were to recommend a board game to someone, who hasn’t really played a board game, this would be the one. Now mind you, like I’ve iterated many times before, that has barely happened as I barely know anyone and especially people that I feel like are nerdy enough to like board games. Need I bring this up again? As each time, it’s like an emotional dagger that is digging deeper and deeper into my chest. Getting centimeters closer to my heart. It’s heart breaking and yet you keep on reminding me of it by demanding this list from me! It is maddening. But yet I bear the burden, and I will continue bring it up to put things into perspective. And regardless of the fact that I’ve only recommended one board game to a non-gamer, this was the one. Jaipur is what got me into board gaming, and it would be an easy recommendation to someone just starting out. But this game is just so much better.
Patchworks is a two player board game where you are quilting a quilt—what else would you expect to be quilted, a scrotum?—by grabbing weirdly shaped, tetronimo-like patches and trying to fit them onto your personal board. You and your opponent are fighting over these patches, so that you can fill up the most space on your board and accrue the most buttons. The turn management here is incredibly elegant and not something I’ve seen another game do. Whenever you grab a patch, you have to move your pawn on a shared board. These pieces make you move your pawn n amount of spaces and whenever you’re ahead of your opponent, you cannot go again. Some pieces might make you move your pawn one space while others can make it move six. There are button denoted spots on this shared board that when your pawn passes, you will get a button for each button attached to the patches on your board. And once both of your pawns reach the end of the shared board, the game is over. The formula for scoring is simple.
Points = Number of Butts – Number of Gaping Holes in Quilt + 7 Points from Special 7×7 Award
There’s a lot of decision making in this game. Do you spend more time to get that big chunky, odd piece that fill up more spots, or do you try and accrue more buttons? Or maybe you try and get that perfect sized piece that will allow you to make a 7×7 grid on your board and give you that special award. Ideally you’re aiming for all of this, but that’s easier said than done. This is very similar to the solitaire feel that Ticket to Ride has where you are screwing over each other by taking that piece that your opponent was coveting and was so integral to their plan of winning the quilting race, but maybe you weren’t intentionally trying to screw them. Having said that, it is much easier in this game to do it on purpose, and I really like that. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Hmm that’s not right. Only one eye was taken in this case and the other person couldn’t do anything because they were writhing in agony as I took their tetronimo shaped eye from them.
Anyways, I love this game. I love playing Tetris, so it’s no surprise that I love this. It’s a very light game, but it has meaningful decision making. And it’s just so damn satisfying seeing your quilt come to life as you tetris your quilt together.
1) Aeons End
I don’t think you could deduce this based off of this list, but I am not that into cooperative games. There’s just something so satisfying about offering your opponent a tissue when they’re crying because they got their ass manhandled by you in a game and then psyching them out and quickly rushing to their tears with your tongue and lapping them up. In a cooperative game, if your teammate is crying, then that means you probably lost too, and you can’t lick them tears up because you didn’t cause them. You can only lick those tears up when you’ve caused them from whooping their ass in a game; otherwise, the tears will taste rancid. Trust me. This is fucking science stuff I’m talking about. Anyways, cooperative games. I have a thought about them.
I THINK PEOPLE THAT ONLY LIKE COOPERATIVE GAMES ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE SCARED TO GET FUCKING REKT.
I would always rather try to win and make others not win than win together and lose together. That’s just how I am. But still I can get behind that sissy teamwork shit from time to time and carry my team to victory. Aeons End is the best example of how and why cooperative games can work out so well. Not only is this the best board game I bought last year, this is the best board game I’ve ever had the chance to play in my short time as a board game enthusiast. It’s not even close.
I’m going to admit something: this is gonna be tough to condense into something palatable for you, the reader, because I think every single thing in this game is well done and elegant. It’s a big game and I can’t go into every single awesome mechanic in this game. I should definitely try to avoid it. Meh. That might be too much work trying to simplify my writing and to not ramble and ramble on about meaningless shit that can be simplified into fewer words because it really reduces the reader’s attention span, but like I said that’s just really hard to do as I do tend to take these tangents and just devolve more and more and turn my sentences into these manic mazes. You’re probably just my wife anyways so who cares about the burden I’m placing on you. Oh, who am I kidding, she won’t read this shit either. I’ll prove it too. Screw you BITCH. Yeah I said it. You ain’t gonna do shit about it because you ain’t gonna know I said it. Anyways, word count don’t matter when no one is reading your stuff. Word count is just a number anyways. Just like your weight and your age. Just a meaningless number.
Aeons End is a deckbuilding game where you do not shuffle your deck. I was initially confused by this as it seemed like it was the hook of the game. I am very familiar with hooks as a video game developer, but this didn’t seem meaningful enough to be considered one. Talk about a dull and chastity inspiring game hook. If someone had thrown that elevator pitch at me, I would have pulled out a pair of bolt cutters and cut the hook holding the elevator to relieve the world of the burden on that elevator. I had never played a physical deckbuilding game before, so I couldn’t understand how it was a hook. Once I started playing though, I immediately understood why it was awesome.
In Aeons End, you and your teammates are working together to save Gravehold from a big scary boss. You do this by using your character’s unique ability, akin to an ultimate in video games; buying cards from the store; and playing these cards (or casting them if they’re a spell). Whenever you buy a card, you instantly place that card on the top of your discard pile. Any of the gems or relics you used to buy this card do not go into the discard pile until your turn is done. When it’s done, you can play those in any order on top of your discard pile. Whenever you need a card but your deck is empty, instead of having to shuffle that gigantic deck you’ve been building, you just flip your discard pile over. Yep, they gamified the actual deckbuilding part, and it works out so well. It’s so incredibly thinky to try and figure out the best time to put that card into your discard pile. Maybe I want it nearer to those bunch of gems coming up or maybe I want it nearer to this spell. This especially hits home after playing Dominion several months after. I realized how huge of a headache it is shuffling, and I’m very thankful that Aeons End doesn’t have much of that bullshit.
On top of the incredible hook, the player turn order deck is genius, the boss deck is genius, the spell casting is awesome, the bosses are so varied and well constructed and epic, the amount of cards to choose from is awesome, the amount of varied and great characters is great, the components are good, the theme is nice, etc. etc. I’m just going to stop because my knees are sore from, um, giving so much praise to this game. Yep, that’s it. That’s why my mouth and knees are so sore. Time to wrap up this praisejob.
Working with others can be incredibly satisfying. Because in order to win, you have to work together. It’s harder to win together than to just win by yourself. There needs to be communication and an almost single mindedness to reach the goal. And a great coop game lets the players do this without making it easy for one player to dictate too much of what others are doing. This game does that as its hard to try and quarterback others. Not only that, but this game makes it hard as hell to win. The easy monsters are hard to beat for Gaben’s sake. But the game being so hard to beat along with the all the impressive mechanics that combine so well together, make winning in this game so damn sweet. And while tears of joy don’t taste as good as tears of defeat caused by one man’s lust for victory, they’re still pretty damn tasty.
P.S. I managed to retain 75% of the word count of my other lists even the size of this list is 50% of those. You’re welcome. There’s a reason I’m paid by the word.